With coach Ari after the belt test.
2nd stripe on the blue belt and the new Torvus T-Shirt.
The battle continues to rage on with depression however, and I'm still learning ways to deal with it. Over the summer I was deployed on what seemed like the sail that just wouldn't end. We were on our way back home and I had made plans with a friend to meet up on a hiking trail and watch the lunar eclipse that was happening that weekend. We were delayed by a day due to some unforeseen circumstances and I had to cancel my plans with her. Everyone was looking forward to getting home after being away for two months, so the news that we were going to be delayed was a crippling blow to morale. I began slipping back into a depression. I began feeling angry, sad, and anxious about the future.
I wasn't sure what else I could do at the time to keep these feelings at bay; I was eating well, working out consistently, and getting in better shape. The new weight training program I was following was working out really well for me and I was starting to see some awesome results. I decided that I needed a reminder. A reminder of what I love, and what I could accomplish if I set my mind on it. I opened my locker and grabbed my blue belt. I held it tightly in my right hand, and stared at it, remembering everything it means to me, and everything I had to go through to get it. (I've often referred to it as my prized possession) As I stood there holding my belt, taking deep breaths, I started to feel better, and more confident almost instantly! My mind was calmer, my anxiety, sadness, and anger disappeared. I decided from that moment on that I would use my belt as a "Symbol of Power" to overcome these negative feelings. It also gave me several ideas for new tattoos that I want to have done now, other symbols that are important to me that I can look at any time I need a reminder.
The first idea is of the Judo Kanji symbols. As many of you know, my martial arts journey started with Judo and it's only fitting that I pay homage to the art that helped change my life. I have several ideas for the second tattoo, either two separate symbols on two different areas, or the two symbols combined in another area I have in mind. I'm still looking through some ideas and designs that could work, so I won't say what the two symbols are just yet, but they're also martial arts related.
The Judo Kanji, meaning "Gentle Way".
Getting back to my current training, I've noticed some changes in the past year or so since getting my blue belt. I've begun to slow down a lot and really focus on my techniques. I don't roll as hard as I used to when I was a white belt. I can still move pretty fast when I want to, but I've been trying to get into the habit of conserving my energy, and using small bursts of speed when the opportunity arises. It's something I want to keep honing over the years as I continue this journey. I've also held true to my last post and have decided to start competing again. I've signed up for the Be First Championship's in March and will be competing in the Blue Belt under 185 No-Gi division. I've also entered to compete in two different weight categories at an internal competition we're having this afternoon. I've got some tough opponents lined up, but I'm looking forward to it.Competition is such a great learning experience, whether you win or lose; it's a different way of honing your skills and you learn a lot about yourself. I've been getting back into shape again and have been training when I can. I've been off the mats this week due to studying for a final exam at work however, but I think I'll be all right and could probably use the rest.
Another exciting event on the horizon is the CJU Winter Camp. I've been wanting to go to one for the past couple of years but have always been sailing or unable to go for other reasons. Luckily I'm able to attend this year and I'm really looking forward to it!
I've decided to end this post with a thought that popped into my head a while back. It might sound kind of corny, but it's fitting to how I was feeling at the time and I think it makes a lot of sense.
"Only in the darkest of times do we truly find our light."
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